Imperialists confirm Metric as axis of evil.

Tuesday January 1, 2008
George Bush declares war on metric in the fight against terror.
George W Bush brings his message home to the kids at a Boston kindergarten this week.

The United States announced today that it would halt free trade to all countries that did not revert back to the imperial measurement system. Said George W Bush: “This is part of the on-going effort to uphold America’s traditional values, namely inches and feet, against the tyranny of systems such as the metric system, used by terrorists to plot their course during 911, and started by countries such as France, who refused to support us in our effort to remove Saddam.”

Refusal to Comply

The announcement surprised many European countries, German Chancellor Angela Merkel said, “This is preposterous, the metric system is far superior to the imperial system, to revert back would be talking a great leap backwards, jar jar.” “This is another example of the US leading the world into the past, with its stubborn refusal to acknowledge anything better than their current ways, aye.” Said Canadian Prime minister Stephen Harper. New Zealand Prime Minister Helen Clark commented that the announcement was “A ludicrous example of the US’s current path of totalitarianism, and this might not have ever happened had the US’s vote swung the other way at their elections 3 years ago, by crikey.” But she was quickly hushed by the opposition of the house reported to fear a total ban on free trade because of her comments. The National party had already drawn up a plan to rush through a new school curriculum to start next month teaching the imperial system.

The American Way

Meanwhile, State side reactions varied. Scientists who opposed the move were mysteriously silent, reported to fear funding cuts to their research for speaking out against the move. Reaction on the street however was joyous, said Fred Oakey of Ohio “This is what makes America great! We say what goes or we kick ass, hell yeah! We don’t need no pussy metric system!” While Jefferson Yokal of Omaha said “All God-fearing Americans love the imperial system, and in our hearts, we know George Bush is making the right call. It’s another strike in the war against terror!”

Award winning campaign poster promoting the Anti-Metric message.


Moves are already being made to round up Metric measuring devices and an amnesty has been placed on their disposal until the end of the month. Popular American television shows set in the future that routinely used Metric systems such as Star Trek that have been re-edited before re-screening to remove all Metric references. Writers, producers and futurists all commented that before George Bush’s announcement it seemed inevitable that Metric would eventually make Imperial obsolete.

The New Standard

Analysts are expecting more sweeping changes to come, hinting that soon the rest of the world will need to drop standard paper sizes such as A4 in favour of US Letter and Legal  and soon all English-speaking nations will spell “colour” as “color”. “Also expect citizens of the world including all scientists to change their pronunciation of aluminium,” said one analyst.