Auckland Transport on track with “Total Gridlock" goal.

Tuesday February 18, 2020
Auckland Transport’s new plan to reduce cars entering the city by making it a completely unattractive proposition is working well incredibly well.

Auckland Transport today announced that it's making great progress in completely stopping all traffic in the Auckland area with it's roadworks programmes.

Said Lester Winshaw, traffic planning spokesman, "We decided to think really big for this, not only did we go ahead and put roadworks on every single major road in the city, but we are managing to make commutes extremely slow, and to block not only cars, but bikes, scooters, busses and even pedestrians!"

Pedestrian access

Walking public  have not been exempt from the roadworks, with entire footpaths narrowed or blocked completely, massive detours, fences, closed crossings and roadworks signs blocking the entire width of footpaths.

Auckland Transport realised it could not just kill two birds with one stone but its entire family. "We realised that all we had to do was put roadblocks everywhere! Because we don't actually have enough workers to cover all of these areas at the same time, the road cones will be up for what will seem like forever. And perhaps that is even an arrangement we can come to!" Said Lester. Along with spreading the works thinly and blocking up every single road and footpath in sight, Auckland Transport can also heavily police the empty 24-hour bus lanes, imposing fines on anyone thinking that they can escape to a side street.

The genius of the plan

"We can dish out fines galore to pay for all of this!" The Other News  asked about public querying their fines; Auckland Transport already has an agile system in place. "Pish! It's called the bin! Everyone knows that we don't read queries, and if they don't know, they will soon find out! No no, we throw them in the bin then send out threatening Baycorp letters, pretending that they never got back to us. We have it so tied up that almost no one challenges it in court, by the time it comes to that, they think the bailiff is already on their way."

Auckland Transport representative at local primary school talking about Chaos Theory.

Other projects in the works of public futility include confusing lane markings, missing signs and a new favorite, putting speed bumps in front of apartment building driveways. "That one is particularly great, it's for the cyclists you see, but of course, it doesn't actually benefit them, it just inconveniences drivers, and if we're lucky it may just cause an accident as a driver gets stuck while a cyclist is coming down the road. We envision being able to do drivers for careless driving and funnel the fines back to us for further futility projects.”

Over the coming weeks, The Other News will highlight some of the other projects of public futility that Auckland Transport has in the works. In the meantime, keep doing the great job Auckland Transport!